How the Marriage of a Matchmaker failed -Lara kudayisi
By Utitofon Idara
Marriage to Lara was a way to prove to her father that she could get married despite the fact that she had a child out of wedlock, as far as she was concerned, she has achieved her aim, this she supported with what her father said on the day of her marriage introduction, “I forgive you and your mother today” they both asked what they did, He, the father said, “for getting pregnant out of wedlock”. So finally he is glad I was able to marry after a child. With that “achievement” she went on with what she knew best, encouraging and giving people counsel on how to make their homes successful, put the past behind and mend their broken relationships. Her husband was not left out, they worked hand in hand, and he became one of her administrative person in most of her programs.
Everything was perceived well from the outside, but she was feeling empty. In her words “I saw all the red flags before the marriage” but her goal was to get married come what may. As time passed, she knew a lot was not right, she soon discovered the fact that sharing her story does not mean she was healed and helping others by telling them what to do does not mean she had overcome her past. What can a person expect from somebody who has had 14 heartbreaks and 15 abortions? “There was no way I could be normal, I was very aggressive, very angry, I blew up easily. Unfortunately, my husband also had his own issues, so after four years, my marriage failed, I walked away”
“I remember the first time I removed my ex’s surname on my Facebook page, somebody entered my DM and said please ma, “I don’t know what is going on please don’t do this, “you are the reason why I believe in marriage again”
Lara said people actually cried. “It was a big issue for me considering the people I had counseled and tutored. But the pains of that emptiness lingered, the pain was my pains not theirs, my mentors said my career will die, no one supported my decision, everybody said don’t do it, walk it out or stay with it like that, it’s going to kill your brand but I was ready to let go, l will start learning hairdressing, my happiness, my fulfillment is paramount to me more than how people see me”
After four years of managing, the marriage of a matchmaker ended. Now 14 heartbreaks, fifteen abortions, and a divorce. She relocated from Lagos with her two kids for Abuja, Nigeria’s capital to start afresh. The pain remained, especially being lonely she became an alcoholic, she would drink herself to sleep. Despite this, she was still helping a lot of people, still posting beautiful pictures on Instagram since it was not public knowledge yet, but she was dying, she started thinking nobody will listen to her anymore. “I thought about my children, had a lot of reflections, and asked myself, Should I go back”?
Eventually, she succumbed to that inner person returned to Lagos in 2017 when her daughter had finished her senior secondary school and her son finished nursery school.
While settling in, she felt she needed to update her story, it’s been two years and she was feeling she is being deceitful because most people still didn’t know, her mentors again advised her not tell this story till she remarries but that was not Lara, She came up with a book ‘How The Matchmaker’s Marriage Failed”.
“I was done writing that book in two weeks, it was a relief for me, it was like freedom for me and I released the book on December 1st, 2018. In the chapter 8 of that book, it is titled “I got married to prove daddy wrong”. Hence, after the book, “I now remembered my own process, I had to go through therapy, that helped me a lot because I gave the book a good promotion” She said it was in her quest for healing, a quest to be fine, that made her sit for therapy and this took another three to four years to get over the pains, with vulnerable audience like her in mind she started again “The Healing Boot Camp” and “The Healing School”.
She said that to her surprise, the more people know her story the more they come to her to share their sad stories. And that is what pushes her now. She said, “no amount of insults gets into me it used to happen then but not now anymore, since I have realized also that people who abuse other people are also in pain. Most people trending on the internet are in pain, but we are too hypocritical, I remember in a live interview, I was asked, why would you come out to say these things knowing our kind of environment? And I answered, “I think, I am way ahead of my time, then two, I think I am in the wrong country, I have met a woman who said she has had 24 abortions just because she heard me share my own story she came out to share with me” Her job as a relationship and marriage coach still continued.
“I have a white American client, Her testimony is on my page, when she shared her story, I asked her why she would leave the best therapists in the US and come to me, she told me that she since she watched me on a live video, she has been through series of therapy in America, but nobody can relate the way I do, that she was interested in having a therapist that has been through the pains herself, she said over there, they just pick their pens, write and prescribe those drugs and you keep taking them for the rest of your life.
When the feelings of reuniting with her husband came up that same year she left, she overcame it, her ex-husband begged her for two years, but knowing that going back could only cause more harm than good she told him “you may hate me now but one day you will be happy that I left you” Today, he has remarried, we have a cordial relationship and he is happier now, and I’m happy we made this decision” additionally, she made sure the children also go through a therapist, she says parents feel this is not necessary but not true, “as you become what you see around you, For her, children from broken homes need therapy”.
She gave an example of a male client, according to her, men hardly call her for therapy, but he was different, he kept insisting he wanted a therapist because the wife’s attitude was a problem in their marriage, he said “I was not raised this way any time we have an argument she says she is leaving and all that”.
“Thankfully the wife agreed to come on board and when we started, she told me, she is from a broken home, her dad left, and her mother too left, so she feels that it is not working, it should not be a do or die affair, unlike somebody else would want to press further to see how it can be put together’. She said “it is not only in marriage even work, anything that is stressful she just moves” if she was helped at the initial stage there is a possibility that it will not extend to her marriage.
Her advice for those from broken homes or those in disturbed relationships/marriages is to seek help from a therapist, what you grew up seeing your parents doing, the environmental factor whether negative or positive shapes you and it affects you unknowingly.
Therapy goes back to your foundation, your root to trace when you were three, five, eight years old, to know why you act the way you do, then ask why? How? Until we find that out, that is when we can now start taking charge of our own life.
“For instance, if you come from a broken home, there are two tendencies you would have, either you want to leave easily or you die there. That is why people go through abuse, violence, and loss of self-esteem and die emotionally. On the other hand, the abusers also have issues from their roots too, so everything has a course. Hence, her final, submission, do not die in silence, get a solution through a therapist, and do not think you can do it all alone”.
We decided to sought expert’s opinion as to the possibility of Lara being a good Counselor and a therapist.
Dr. Iwowari Berian James, a Managerial and Energy psychologist, and an expert in Emotional Trauma Resolution.
Has this to say:
“There is what we call Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) which is about the experience of a child growing up, it may even start from the womb of a mother, that is when a woman is pregnant and she is going through a traumatic experience if not resolves they get into the cells of the body and this also gets into the child, so a child gets born with a prenatal trauma, there is also a postnatal trauma when a child is born into some challenging environment. The behaviors of parents do affect the child, a child might develop low self-esteem, challenging behaviors like anger, and easily infuriated at the slightest provocation”
“These affect their academics, and they may develop unwanted behaviors like bullying others. Part of the coping strategy is looking for identity, looking for comfort. For young girls, looking for comfort might drive them into the hands of a predator thereby resulting in pregnancy. They start to fight for identity. Poor upbringing and environmental factors such as nature and nurture may in this case be negative and results in the child having multiple relationships”
“Issue of identity is very important for a child growing up, when the father like in this case under consideration makes pronouncements, genetically those things take form and begin to affect the child. And if left unchecked this could also affect their marriage because along the line there is a challenge of self-esteem, this will become an issue in the marital relationship, and she will be looking for an identity that is not there. Remember there was a disconnect from the father energy that she is now looking for in her husband if unfortunately, any coming pretends to be a father figure she will fall for such people, and in the end, it will break down”
Dr. Iwowari says “Yes it is possible to separate a profession from a person’s background. Her experiences may have pushed her into a new profession, there, she will be going through self-healing, because every other person that presents similar challenges is a trigger for her, therefore she will be in a position of being in a continuous healing mood as she is helping others. Having those issues does not make her a bad therapist as it were, she will be drawing from her experience as she talks to people and educates them, however, she has to be careful not to pass her own projection onto her clients, but, if she has a good therapy for herself that aspect will be eliminated”
Parents must take cognizance of the fact that their choice of words, the environment, and improper upbringing can mar a child for the rest of his/her life. Yes, our past has a great impact on our life way up the ladder, but early self-realization and recognizing the fact that a therapist can help eliminate past pains while bringing out the best in us is the best policy. We hope to update you on Lara Kudayisi’s success story someday.
